What the hell have I been doing?

I took off all last week to lay around the old home place with my family, play some music, read, buy a new car, and go to a bunch of movies.

T3: In the immortal words of my friend Suzanne, I was happy, my expectations were low. Shwarzenegger looks surprisingly close to T2 form; I was expecting big saggy manboobs, but either they did some amazing CGI work on his pecs or he actually managed to get back into something close to his 1991 form. The chick cyborg was more effective than I expected, and the mayhem is non-stop. There were some stupid moments, but overall I think I liked it about as well as T2 (The Terminator is a cut above either; T2 might have been on a par with it if Cameron had been able to control himself and spare us the infamous thumbs-up gesture as Arnie melts into a big pile of molten goo at the end.)

Pirates of the Caribbean (twice): Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp chew the scenery with gleeful abandon, while Orlando Bloom turns in a somewhat uneven performance (with a couple of nice comedic moments) as the Flynn du jour. Keira Knightly manages to be feisty without becoming overwhelmingly annoying. I am admittedly biased in favor of pirate movies, and this one might even be good enough to rescue the genre from oblivion. It's not "Against All Flags" or "The Sea Hawk", but it's not bad.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Sean Connery does the Alan Quatermain thing, Stuart Townsend plays an hilariously arch Dorian Gray. Lots of suspension of disbelief (and common sense) necessary (really, just how deep do they think the canals are in Venice?) but the visuals are nice, the action is rousing, and the comic relief isn't overplayed.

The Hulk: Don't be misled by the cheesy trailer. It's good, and the closest to the actual feel of a Marvel comic of all the comicbook movies, the more so because of the way Ang Lee deliberately uses comicbook transitions between scenes and multipanel shots. The people who didn't like the angsty nature of the hero and the lack of non-stop action probably didn't read the comics much. Better than Spiderman, better (in some ways) than the X-men movies (not to damn them with faint praise.)

My new car.




Picked it up on the 5th and just broke 1500 miles. Heh.

My new favorite website.

From an initial prod from James Lileks' column today, a great collection of quasi-musical drek. Includes a link to a video of William Shatner performing "Rocket Man" circa 1978. Is there a German term for mingled horror and delight?

Updates soon.

Vacation, new car, moviegoing, more forthcoming.

Just a thought.

The current anti-tobacco PSAs that feature various obnoxious teenagers with enunciation problems make me want to smoke. Desperately.

O...k.

On the recommendation of a friend (Rick), I checked out Tough Crowd on Comedy Central.

Holy mother of God, these people are politically retarded.

Now, I knew going in that I was going to be dealing with political opinions from comedians, but damn--out of 4 guests and a host, did they ALL have to be raving leftists? Couldn't we have one token conservative guy, maybe Dennis Miller? One guy (Jake Johannsen) actually complained about the T-ball league Bush has play on the lawn at the white house, saying he ought to be spending the time he spent on the T-ball game tending to the economy (and apparently all his other waking moments as well.) And yet, it was just jim dandy for Clinton to waste his time banging interns in the Oval Office, apparently. The token chick (Judy Gold) was an embarrassment; her main complaint seemed to be that we shouldn't have invaded Iraq unless we were prepared to invade every other dictatorship on earth, and that we just invaded Iraq for--you guessed it--OIIIIIIIILLLLL. I don't have the time to waste on this crap. I could be reading Flashman and the Mountain of Light in my quest to avoid my copy of the new Harry Potter.

Verdict: pollice verso.

Shame on you, Jon Stewart.

Watching what I can only assume is a re-run of the Daily Show, possibly from last night, possibly earlier, on Comedy Central, and he's reporting on the extension of child tax credits to families making less than $24,000 a year--and he doesn't mention that these people don't pay income tax in the first damn place. Ain't partisanship grand?

Al Sharpton, uncrowned king of irony.

"If President Clinton had told the lie that George Bush has told, he would have been impeached."

In boca al lupo.

Tim Blair is right: Silvio Berlusconi rocks.

Berlusconi slaps down France over Israel trip

ROME, June 17 — Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi told France on Tuesday it should ''shut up'' about his Middle East policy, further straining relations with Paris just as Italy is preparing to take over the European Union presidency.
''They missed a good opportunity to shut up,'' Berlusconi told reporters in response to French criticism of his decision not to meet Palestinian leaders during a recent trip to Israel.
French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin said this week that Berlusconi had ''not satisfied the European position'' by holding talks only with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon during his June 9 visit to Jerusalem.
''I went (to Israel) as the prime minister of Italy. There's no way France can issue criticism over something that was the sole right and responsibility of the Italian prime minister,'' Berlusconi said, clearly bristling with irritation.

So much for playing Io to France's Jupiter.

With US tourism to France on a sharp decline, allow me to suggest our ally, Italy, as an excellent European vacation alternative. They're friendlier, they're funnier, they cook better, and they don't sing through their noses.

Matrix Reloaded

Greg finally talked me into seeing it over the weekend. I really don't see why it excited all the bad reviews. Yes, Keanu Reeves has exactly one facial expression and the same vocal inflections he sported in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure--but that's not exactly a departure from the first film, is it? For all I can tell, that's why they hired him. There was a substantial cheese factor in the action sequences, which bore more resemblance to dance numbers than actual fights--but that's not really a departure either. I didn't think it was unbearably talky, either (in fact, the dialogue was possibly less annoyingly pseudo-intellectual than the first installment). Stuff blowed up real good. Much black leather was worn, and much sunglass. There was a plethora of Hugo Weaving. This is all good. So what's with the bitchfest?

And please, I don't want to hear "they left the ending hanging." You KNOW it's the middle movie in a trilogy. Of course they left it hanging. Thank your lucky stars this isn't another Lucas wait-five-years-for-the-disappointing-ending-while-your-stars-age-beyond-recognition production.

Welcome to has-been Hell.

Via Drudge (where the picture makes him look startlingly like Tim Robbins): Adam Ant arrested.

LONDON (Reuters) - Former British pop star Adam Ant has been arrested after apparently running amok and stripping off in a London cafe.

Police said on Thursday they had arrested a 49-year-old man on suspicion of criminal damage, while The Sun newspaper showed pictures of the former 1980s heartthrob being held by two burly policemen, a blanket wrapped around his waist.

Newspapers said Ant, real name Stuart Goddard, had "gone berserk" near his north London home on Wednesday before stripping off his trousers in the cafe.

The outburst follows an episode last summer when he threatened customers at his local pub who had laughed at his cowboy attire. He walked free from court in October after judges ruled he was suffering from temporary mental illness.

Walked free? That was a cry for help. If they cared, they'd have committed him to a term on "What Not To Wear".

Ant's career saw him selling 15 million records, including punk-pop hits like "Prince Charming" and "Stand and Deliver." Police said he had been released on bail until mid-July.

That's the most offensive thing in the article: "punk-pop"? Adam Ant? If he was punk the Backstreet Boys have street cred.

And there was much rejoicing.

CBS Sportsline says the Mets finally bit the bullet and fired GQ, replacing him with Jim Duquette in the interim. None too soon, either; his lame ass should have preceded Valentine's out the door.

That's the last time I order anything delivered.

I am officially a freak magnet.

My pizza delivery guy last night spent twenty minutes on my front porch telling me his supposed life story. How he's not only a mathmatical genius (this came up during the change-and-tip exchange), but a big rock star--the guy who was supposed to replace David Lee Roth in Van Halen, no less--who's had amnesia since '86 because his ex-wife hired some thugs to crush his skull (or, alternatively, whose ex-wife merely knew about an outside conspiracy to crush his skull--that part was pretty murky), and who just recently found out who he was because the parents of the heiress to the Iams dog food fortune spent $10,000 on a background search because said heiress was desperately interested in dating him. David Lee Roth and Bob & Tom (of The Bob & Tom Show) are also involved in the tale of woe; apparently Diamond Dave was desperately looking for this guy to go on tour with him and Sammy Hagar, and using the Bob & Tom show to put out a call for this guy to come pick up a check for $100,000,000 (yes--one hundred million dollars) for what they owed him (it was unclear precisely what they owed him *for*, but there was some reference to a t-shirt design that evidently made the fortunes of the band--who knew? All this time I thought it was the albums.) He's also apparently the only man the Earnhardt family will ever let drive car #3 in public again, but there's some kind of conspiracy on the part of Van Halen to keep him off the NASCAR circuit for another six months or so, because there's some kind of technicality requiring that he complete his first NASCAR race by the age of 48. Oh, and "Forrest Gump" was based on his life story. I'm not really that easily spooked, but I was thoroughly wigged out by the time the guy got the hell off my porch and drove off. And my pizza was stone cold.

So I spent the rest of the night with the doors locked and my gun close at hand, because the phrase "if you can't get in the front door, go around the back" cropped up a couple of times in reference to the machinations of his Salt Lake City lawyer trying to get him his cut of Van Halen's money. It doesn't help that I live in the weird crime epicenter of Ohio, and now a certifiable nutbar has my address and phone number. Bleah.

Poet's corner.

Kevin Parrott, the brooding poet at Hep to the Jive, has published an hilarious ode to Time-Warner Cable.

Fat Rajah still balked at 299.

Thanks, Karros.

What? I hope you didn't think I was going to be gracious about it.

HA!

Via Dean Esmay: Howell Raines resigned.

And I thought the little SOB was going to skate. He probably did too.

My burning question answered.

Thank God for Tim Blair and Stefan Sharkansky.

it's Lileks as in lie'-licks almost like lilacs, not Lileks as in lill'-ucks.

Bern, you were right. Go to the head of the class.

Wailing and gnashing of teeth dept.

With all due respect to my dear friend Angela, the consummate Braves fan, the Braves displayed their justly famous good sportsmanship in the wake of a losing weekend series at Shea:

Atlanta pitchers were furious after the game with the Questec Umpire Information System, saying it caused plate umpire Lance Barksdale to shrink the strike zone on them.

In other words, they didn't get the specialized Braves Strike Zone^tm, which is traditionally the size of Rhode Island.

"I wish I was close to the machine, so I could break it,'' said Ray King, who gave up a go-ahead single to Rey Sanchez. "The umps are more worried about the machine than calling the game.''

Translation: "The umps were more worried about not being exposed as our paid lackeys than they were about our win/loss record."

Eight days earlier in Phoenix, Arizona pitcher Curt Schilling attacked a Questec camera. The commissioner's office has not determined whether to discipline him.

Unless they want a rash of equipment loss, they'd better. Duh.

"This system is one of the worst things that has happened in baseball,'' said Darren Holmes, who gave up Burnitz's homer on a 3-1 pitch. "They are going to feel ramifications because of the system. it's a joke.''

Actually, Darren, I'd say you were the one feeling the ramifications. From where I sit the feeling's pure Chuck Mangione so far. Feels so good.

Lest I be accused of film snobbery...

I did see X2: X-Men United over the holiday, and I liked it very much. Better than Spiderman (and I quite dug the look of Spidey, but it must be said: Tobey Maguire has a nerd voice. And what the hell was up with Kirsten Dunst's teeth?) I thought the continuity with the first film was good*, the acting was decent, and I wasn't seized with an urge to punch Patrick Stewart like I usually am, probably because they didn't give him any extended soliloquies to perform and the wheelchair limited his Heroic Posing options. On the whole, I was able to suspend my disbelief and plunge in, and that's all I ask of an action flick.

*Admittedly, I'm not a nitpicker in this area when it comes to comic book movies, so don't leave any lists of continuity errors in the comments unless they're really amusing. And no, I will not use the term "graphic novel", since I was born before 1970.

Bruce Almighty review.

Well-written, scathing review in the Washington Post. I have no personal animus against Jim Carrey, apart from the fact that I find him too antic to watch half the time and don't share his love of the butt joke, but a number of red flags went up on this one. The director from Patch Adams? To quote a friend's reaction, "Yikes."