"Return of the King" fifth viewing commentary.

Viggo Mortensen and Elijah Wood could both eat corn through a picket fence.

Given that I must perforce accept the idea that Denethor is derelict in defense of the city and the women and children were not sent away before the armies of evil encamped outside the walls, what the hell are they doing on the first level of the city when the gates are sundered? Are they too stupid to have removed themselves to the upper levels prior to this action? And would the deaths of people that goddamn stupid be any real loss to the gene pool?

Miranda Otto looks like she's going to throw up every time the script calls for her to do anything but moon at Aragorn. She also has pipecleaner arms, and I am not convinced she could have hacked the head off a Nazgul's mount in two blows (or twenty, for that matter.)

Denethor: he's oil-soaked and sending up shooting flames the size of one of the signal beacons. Having him run the length of the courtyard and plunge into freefall in this condition is ludicrous. If you're going to go that far why not also have one of the Nazgul fly by and chomp him? Yeah, and then have it drop him on top of a spire so he can be impaled as well. Because apparently we just hate Denethor so much it's not enough to kill him once over and be done with it.

The hobbits are way too in touch with their tear ducts.

I would have preferred the orc general not suddenly assume a fearful aspect at the sight of the onrushing Rohirrim. That guy should have gone down with a sneer of defiance.

As a dog returneth to its vomit.

The Mets are talking to Todd Zeile. Kill me now.

(And thank you, Paula, for bringing up such a painful subject. Next time give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it.)

Kingdom roundup, with spoiler.

This post has been delayed by my natural indolence, but I might want to refer to some of this later, so here it is. First, Victor at Rightwing Film Geek pointed to the article in last Sunday's Telegraph, wherein we are informed that "senior British academics" are annoyed with Ridley Scott's Crusader project.

Then Ben Kepple took a crack at rewriting the script, turning it into "Dude, Where's My Sword?"

Let me note at this point, apart from the specious "Brotherhood of Muslims, Jews and Christians" and painting Guy de Lusignan as the villain of the piece, I haven't heard anything egregiously wrong about the basic plot of the story that contradicts what I know about the Crusades (concerning which I am not, admittedly, an expert.) I believe Saladin was considered by contemporary Christians to be quite chivalrous, for a heathen, so that shouldn't be considered revisionist. I am a bit concerned about this quote from Scott:

"At the end of our picture, our heroes defend the Muslims, which was historically correct."

Not sure in what context this could occur, unless he's talking about Balian d'Ibelin keeping the Christians and Jews in Jerusalem from slaughtering the Muslims in the city before surrendering it to Saladin. More research is obviously required, and more detail about the film than has trickled forth so far. While I agree in theory with Victor (supra) that the Crusades were counterattacks against the Muslim expansion and not, as so often mischaracterized by self-mortifying lefties, wars of Christian aggression, I'm not sure Scott has said anything about the film so far to indicate that he's making an apologetic on behalf of Islam. From the Telegraph article:

Sir Ridley's spokesman said that the film portrays the Arabs in a positive light. "It's trying to be fair and we hope that the Muslim world sees the rectification of history."

Trying to be fair is fine. Rectification of history...we'll see.

My spoiler policy: I generally try to avoid spoiling most films until most people interested in seeing them have had a chance to do so, but some films are so poorly conceived I waive the spoiler rule and consider the details more of a forewarning than a ruination. If you're sensitive to that kind of thing stop reading.

Finally, a filming update with spoiler:

Yesterday, they shot one of the most dangerous scenes filmed so far in Loarre: it shows the moment when Balian falls into the forge and burns alive while his workshop burns up around him.

Interesting. One must assume that's the ending, unless they plan to have him rise Phoenix-like from the pyre. Update: Apparently it's not Balian who falls into the forge, it's a priest of some kind. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

Bill McCabe unfair to Elves.

Legolas-free zone, my eye. Hate the game, Bill, not the player.

(2BC recognizes the value of all members of the Fellowship. Even Boromir, who took way too damn long to die.)

Hm.

Van Helsing trailer here. I can't make up my mind whether this is going to rule or suck, but I doubt it's going to fall between the poles.

Skippy.

Courtesy of my cousin Loraine, the 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army. Samples:

35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

Pinch me.

I must be dreaming. I just read on AOL (via AP) that Al Franken has signed with a yet-to-be launched liberal radio network (not NPR, a new one) with the intent of running opposite Rush Limbaugh's noon to three slot.

Franken said he planned to use a mix of interviews, calls from listeners and scripted comedy. He said he planned to have a co-host with long experience in radio, but he said that role had not been finalized.

Have any of these people checked out Franken's comedy chops lately? He hasn't been funny since Christ was a corporal. And just who is it that thinks this is a brilliant idea?

Last November the company was bought by an investment group led by Mark Walsh, a former America Online executive and adviser to the Democratic National Committee, from the venture capitalists Sheldon and Anita Drobny.

I thought venture capitalists were eeeeevil. And I know damn well the people behind AOL are.

Franken, whose earlier book was called "Rush Limbaugh Is a Big Fat Idiot,'' said he plans to call up his nemesis for advice on his own show since Limbaugh has often said he wonders why new radio hosts don't seek out his counsel.

Ah, there's that mordant wit, that breath of fresh, cleansing air. You know, I don't particularly like Limbaugh, but he's at least twice as quickwitted as Franken. If Franken has the temerity to call him up during his show, Rush will eat his lunch for him.

"I'll ask him advice: how he approaches a show, how he frames an issue. If it doesn't happen it will be - very understandably - because he won't take my call,'' Franken said.

Somewhere Rush Limbaugh just sprouted enormous wood. Sorry about the visual.

Zombie trailer alert.

Check out the Shaun of the Dead trailer.

"Let's run it up the flagpole and see if the rats desert the sinking ship."*

When Ed Koch is the voice of reason and actually expresses himself as befits an elder statesman in support of the Bush presidency, we live in a world run amok.

[Via Charles Austin.]



*Wild public acclaim to the first one to name the show that quote is from. $5 says Bernadine does it.

Moments in ideal casting.

Johnny Depp as 17th century rake and poet John Wilmot in The Libertine.

Edmund Blackadder: Mrs. Miggins, there's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid.

Well, sure, I can see that.

Via Rodya Guevara at Farm Accident Digest:

What Famous Leader Are You?

Yes, I will invent the future of mankind. As long as I can do it from my couch while watching the fight scenes in the Rings movies on slo-mo.

Even better.

What Classic Movie Are You?

Wandering rogue on the...river...shadow...what?

The sequel without equal.

Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires.

God bless Bruce Campbell and the B-Movie.

Proper weather at last.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening - Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

What price culture.

The Dayton Opera association puts on 4 shows a season; next season we get Le Nozze de Figaro (good), Tosca (less good; I've seen it five times already. Get a new workhorse.), Little Women (hah?), and Opera Goes to the Movies.

Now, I never get tired of Mozart, and I'm willing to put up with yet another staging of Tosca, even at $62 a ticket, if the rest of the season is worth it, but the other two items have me worried. This is the Little Women writeup in the newsletter:

The New York Times has hailed it as a "masterpiece", our third production is a stunning and moving adaptation of Louisa May Alcott's masterpiece novel, Mark Adamo's Little Women.

(Sic, sic, sic. Just wanted to emphasize that the mangled grammar is theirs, not mine.)

Premiered in 1998 at the Houston Grand Opera, Little Women is already being heralded as one of the most beloved American operas.

My conservative instincts are balking. I hate modern classical music with a passion; just about anything post Stravinsky makes my skin crawl. If that makes me a troglodyte, so be it.

Then we come to the item that makes me scowl: Opera Goes to the Movies. This is apparently the orchestra and a series of neophyte opera singers performing selections from operas featured in movies. I don't mind a revue, and the selections are potentially interesting, but for $62 I could rent all the movies involved and still have plenty left for a pizza. Deluxe, even. The hell of it is, if I balk at renewing because I'm tired of Tosca, suspicious of Little Women, and not interested in the free-floating ariafest, I lose my seat--and my seat is prime. So knowing my tendency to just not go if I think I'm not going to enjoy what's ahead of me, I'm potentially going to eat 3 of the 4 tickets. Gad.

[No, there's no point to this. Just pointless bitchery.]

Now there's a useful campaign guide.

Greg pointed me to Ace of Spade's D&D guide to the Democratic candidates (which was apparently linked on The Corner as well.)

Movie Hell.

Time to catch up on stuff I bypassed at the theater:

The Order: Bad theology, albeit a moderately interesting premise. Heath Ledger confirms the fact that he can't act.

28 Days Later: Remind me not to be in England when the Apocalypse comes. Those guys apparently intend to act like fuckers when it's nut-crunching time. Pretty standard zombie fare, imo; I don't see what all the excitement was about.

Bad Boys II: Bang. Screech. BOOM. Crash. One funny bit where a boy comes to pick up Martin Lawrence's teenage daughter.

Barbershop: Fully as funny as I was told, and that's saying something. The ATM subplot is hilariously stupid, and each of the barbers has a fully realized character. Loved it.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG.

What the hell is going on with the weather? In Springfield, Ohio, on January third, it should not be in the fifties. There shouldn't have been a thunderstorm two nights ago, replete with lightning. I should be ass-deep in snow by now, perhaps with a scrim of ice on top and underneath, just to make the driving extra treacherous. As I discussed with Angela, if this keeps up much longer we're going to have a false Spring, wicked freeze, crappy real Spring, and mosquitos the size of bats all next year. Gad. Somebody fix this, please.

Another genuine faux controversy.

In a frankly embarrassing attempt to garner Dixie Chick-esque notoriety and boost sales, Willie Nelson has penned an anti-war song to be debuted at a Dennis Kucinich rally--yes, I know, in the words of Iago the parrot, I too could have a heart attack and die from not surprised. In further shocking news, he persists in thinking it's all about the oil:

There's so many things going on in the world
Babies dying
Mothers crying
How much oil is one human life worth
And what ever happened to peace on earth

Not that anyone was weeping before we invaded Iraq, of course. No children's prisons, no mass graves. Nothing to see here, folks. Keep moving, it's all about the oil, vote Kucinich.

Oh, and the rest of the lyrics suck too.

[Thanks to Angela for the link.]

Holiday wrap-up.

Finished Lord of the Rings right before Christmas, and was somewhat surprised to find that most of the things I thought Jackson got wrong to some degree were actually pretty much spot-on. I've seen it 4 times now, and can readily identify the bits I know are going to be added on the extended edition, so I'm wondering if I should even bother with the theatrical release of this one (I do have the other two, and I hate a partial set.)

Saw Peter Pan Wednesday and felt...I don't know...rewarded by the whole experience, I guess. I had reservations--general dislike of child actors, lukewarm memories of the Mary Martin live action version from the sixties (a grown woman cannot pass for a pre-teen boy, I don't care if she's Sarah freakin' Bernhardt, that just gives the whole story a very weird vibe), and the Disney cartoon made Neverland look too appealing, without any hint of real danger (why do you think Michael Jackson named his Freak Farm after it?). So I wasn't sure what I was going to get, aside from possible kick-butt eye candy in the fx department.

There was eye candy, but more importantly, this version strips off some of the mawkish sentiment that makes the Martin version so unwatchable (some, not all), and adds some very dark undertones. Hook is geniunely menacing, for a change (Jason Isaacs is an utterly ruthless pirate.) Peter is not altogether likeable, as he shouldn't be, and completely self-centered. There's been a buzz in some quarters about inappropriate sexual tension between Peter and Wendy, but that's essentially the main theme of the story as originally written. I thought it was both tasteful and evocative. Basically the movie is screwed by timing--coming out anywhere near a boxoffice behemoth like ROTK means it's going to be seen by a far smaller audience than it deserves, and it's a pity.

Tim Blair recaps the year in quotes.

The hilarity starts here.

And reminds me how much I miss Juan Gato in the process.

TB: Which are you more likely to violate: the Third Law of Thermodynamics, or the Mann Act?

JG: I'm pretty sure it'd be Third Law of Thermodynamics. Too bad it wasn't which I'd prefer to violate. No, that'd probably still be the Third Law. Once I break free of that bastard, there'll be no stopping me.